Some People Have P*rn Buddies
Why the Speaker of the House needs adult friends
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This is a weekly newsletter from me, Dani Faith Leonard , a comedy writer, film producer, and performer. It’s an extension of the live comedy show ADULT SEX ED that I’ve hosted since 2018. The show is about plugging the holes in our education as adults, so I’ll be doing just that (if you want to know more about this newsletter, here’s a description on substack). Ready to get a little smarter? Okay, let’s go!
There is a new Speaker of the House in the United States named Mike Johnson, a religious conservative from Louisiana. This week, an interview clip resurfaced where Mike talked about how he installed “accountability software” called Covenant Eyes on his devices in order to abstain from porn and other “unsavory” content. It’s a little strange to begin with to announce that you needed accountability software. But the stranger part is that this software allows you to choose an accountability buddy and he chose…his seventeen year old son. “I’m proud to tell ya, my son has got a clean slate,” he added.
WTF? To put it mildly, this is deeply strange. What people do in the privacy of their own homes doesn’t necessarily affect anyone. But since this is the new Speaker of the House, and his choices can affect the pubic, this is worth examining. For what it’s worth, he has other extreme views, like the fall of the Roman Empire leading to rampant homosexuality, but this anti-porn admission is problematic on several fronts. First of all, the Speaker is admitting to having Big Brother software on his devices (he’s been in Congress since 2016 and this clip was from last year). Also, we now know we have a Speaker who clearly DOESN’T HAVE ADULT FRIENDS. His underage son should be finishing high school, not checking to make sure his Dad isn’t watching Call Me By Your Name again.
Johnson’s anti-porn views and actions are part of a much bigger movement. Back in August, I wrote all about the online anti-porn movement, which focuses on consumption, not porn creation (there are real movements out there to regulate the creation of porn, too). The anti-porn movement is multi-faceted: there are right-wing factions, religious factions, a bro-culture element, and even a proud boy anti-porn movement. You can read that post from August here:
If you happened to be wondering why Mike Johnson’s wife, Kelly, couldn’t be his accountability buddy, it seems like she’s really busy. She wasn’t there when he was sworn in, but he explained that it all happened pretty suddenly and she couldn’t get there in time. This substack is read across 87 countries, so in case you don’t follow American politics, this was actually true. So, he could have left it at that, but then he said, “She’s spent the last couple of weeks on her knees in prayer to the Lord. And, um, she’s a little worn out.” Eeeeewwwww. Jesus, Mike.
The Johnsons represent the religious part of the anti-porn movement, and they are, in fact, extremely religious. His comment about his wife spending time on her knees had a Streisand Effect, and the increased scrutiny led to the discovery that the Johnsons have a covenant marriage—a special kind of marriage available in three states, which makes it almost impossible to get a divorce. Super romantic. They also host a podcast together, which was quickly removed from the internet, as was language on Kelly Johnson’s website comparing anyone who has sex outside of marriage to people who rape farm animals. Not only are the Johnsons anti-porn, but they are against fornication in general.
Back to Mike and his son. The accountability software that they use is called Covenant Eyes, a company that promises to help you “experience victory over porn.” It operates from a core religious belief that watching pornography is shameful and destructive. The articles on the website have titles like, “10 Ways to Pluck Out Your Eye to Avoid Porn.” I signed up to receive a free e-book and it contained scientifically inaccurate claims, like viewing porn alters your sexuality by firing off a “chemical cocktail.” There’s nothing wrong with quitting porn, especially if you think it’s an intrusive force in your life. If people want to quit porn as a team, that’s also their prerogative, but Covenant Eyes is not based in any kind of reputable science.
Should the Speaker of the House, or any government employee, have Big Brother software on their devices, even it’s the evangelical kind? Probably fucking not. The Covenant Eyes app “delivers powerful AI software that monitors your screen activity,” and then shares your activity feed right to your ally's phone. Covenant Eyes allows you to choose an ally who will monitor your behavior. In the e-book, it states that the recommended accountability buddy will be at a similar maturity level as you, and a similar place as you, relationship-wise. So, definitely not your seventeen-year-old son!
If Mike Johnson watches something unsavory, his poor son will receive a notification. Imagine being in A.P. Bio and getting a ping that your Dad is wanking to “Slut Stepbrother Split in Two!” Not again, Dad!
I like to be solution oriented. Maybe we can have a porn buddy for other reasons and it doesn’t have to be a terrible shame-based thing. What about a Girls on Porn style review partner? At the very least, let’s get Mike Johnson some uncompromised devices and some much-needed friends.
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I dont know if it was a typo or not; nonetheless, I feel that it was appropriate in this case...in fact, better than the usually intended word choice! LOL
In the article, it says: "But since this is the new Speaker of the House, and his choices can affect the pubic, this is worth examining."
(The 'pubic' instead of 'public' gave me a chuckle...teehee!)
It’s been said a million times but fewer situations deserve the phrase more than this one. “Truth is stranger than fiction!”