Naughty Holiday Songs
Slide down my chimney
Hi Readers! Wishing you a wonderful holiday season. This will be the last regular newsletter this year and it’s a follow up to last week’s one about Santa p*rn. Next week, I’ll send a quick recap email of my favorite posts from this year before we ring in 2024.
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If you’re new here: This is a weekly newsletter from me, Dani Faith Leonard , a comedy writer, film producer, and performer. It’s an extension of the live comedy show ADULT SEX ED that I’ve hosted since 2018. The show is about plugging the holes in our education as adults, so I’ll be doing just that (if you want to know more about this newsletter, here’s a description on substack). Ready to get a little smarter? Okay, let’s go!
Here’s a follow up to last week’s newsletter, which focused on Santa p*rn. To recap, it’s a major category this time of year! The love for Santa may be slightly Freudian. And the imagery lends itself to horny writing—phallic stockings, poles, and chimneys. However, understanding a Santa fetish isn’t so simple because there are a bunch of different versions of St. Nick. I identified four specific p*rny tropes: Santa, the bumbling fool, who is basically Christmas' pizza delivery guy; Santa, the perv, who breaks into your house to stuff your stocking himself; Santa, the daddy, the polar bear who provides; and Santa, the punisher, who has you on his list. Read the whole post here:
Today’s follow up is about the songs. There are new horny holiday songs popping up every year (if you want to listen to this year’s horniest, I recommend Have You Heard of Christmas from Matt Rogers!). Classic holiday songs are filled with innuendo. Chimney Sliding. Coming through the back door. Eating your milk and cookies. Here are a few of my favorites that fit the Santa tropes that I wrote about last week:
Santa, the bumbling fool shows up a bunch in Christmas songs. He’s the one who mommy gets caught kissing. He’s just doing his job (like the pizza delivery guy) and slutty things happen. Back in 1950, he got stuck in Ella Fitzgerald’s chimney. In “Santa Got Stuck in my Chimney,” Lady Ella sings about a nice Santa who unfortunately got stuck when he came (hehe) last year, describing him as “fat and round” and “not quite up and not quite down.” This song was actually blocked from being released and didn’t start showing up on Christmas records until after her death.
In case you’re wondering, it's possible for a penis to get stuck inside a vagina during intercourse, and it’s called penis captivus. It’s one possible outcome of a condition called vaginismus, in which the vagina involuntarily closes due to muscle spasms in the pelvic floor. It must not have been too uncomfortable for Ella because she begs Santa to come back to her brand new chimney next year. Listen to the song here.
Santa, the perv, makes an appearance in some of my favorite holiday songs. In “Back Door Santa” (1968), Clarence Carter masters the double entendre. Old St. Nick only comes once per year, so he’s bringing his presents to "all the little girls" whose boys aren't taking care of bizness at home. Just like the title suggests, he likes to keep the back door open. Listen to this anally fixated Santa song here.
Santa, the daddy, is the version of Santa in so many holiday songs. He’s a provider and he’s the Santa that the singer pleads to in the holiday classic “Santa Baby,” the best-selling Christmas song of 1953. While some people love the Eartha Kitt classic, a 2021 YouGov poll in the United States registered it the most annoying Christmas song. So, here’s the Madonna’s version.
Santa, the punisher, has you on his naughty list all year. I like to imagine that Elvis’s Santa in “Santa Claus Is Back In Town” is a punisher. This version of Santa that you better watch out for makes my favorite appearance in “Don't Shoot Me Santa,” released by The Killers in 2007. Listen to it here.
Let me know what songs are on your naughty playlist in the comments!
Toasting to you with my coffee and wishing all of you a wonderful holiday season, however you celebrate!
—Dani