SANTA is a Daddy
Stuff your stocking with holiday p*rn
Hi Everyone,
Happy hump day and thanks so much for reading the ADULT SEX ED newsletter! If you’re enjoying it, please share with friends, so they can be hilariously informed!
This is a weekly newsletter from me, Dani Faith Leonard , a comedy writer, film producer, and performer. It’s an extension of the live comedy show ADULT SEX ED that I’ve hosted since 2018. The show is about plugging the holes in our education as adults, so I’ll be doing just that (if you want to know more about this newsletter, here’s a description on substack). Ready to get a little smarter? Okay, let’s go!
I’ll admit I got distracted and almost changed the theme of this week’s post when former Congressman George Santos recorded a video this week congratulating a man named Heath for coming out as a furry. A “beaver puss” to be exact. It turns out, there is no man named Heath and the video request actually was a prank from Jimmy Kimmel. But it’s holiday season, so I need to stick to the plan and tell you all about Santa Porn.
If you’ve never searched for it or stumbled upon it, Santa porn is a major category this time of year (although according to Pornhub insights for 2022, the worldwide traffic drop on Christmas Eve was –32%, while Christmas Day saw traffic drop by –15%). If it’s not your thing, you might be wondering, why does this have to exist? First, let’s analyze the appeal. Is getting horny for Christmas so much fun because it’s taboo to sexualize a wholesome holiday about the most famous virgin and her son? Is the love for Santa slightly Freudian? Or perhaps the imagery lends itself to horny writing—phallic stockings, poles, and chimneys. Balls jingle. Things get stuffed.
When it comes to Santa porn, understanding the attraction isn’t so simple. That’s because there isn’t just one version of Santa. St. Nick is a character that evolves over time and people take liberties with his personality. Is he a jolly old man or a vindictive asshole who keeps a list? Does he break into houses and steal food, or does he grant kids’ wishes and flirt with moms? All of the above, when it comes to porn. When analyzing why people might want to slide down his pole, we have to consider four of the unique characterizations of Mr. Claus.
The first is Santa, the bumbling fool. He shows up to deliver gifts, sometimes his own dick in a box, and eat your cookies. This is the santa that the devious housewife kisses under the mistletoe. He gets stuck in your chimney. This version of Santa is Christmas' Porn Pizza Delivery Guy.
Santa, the perv is really into lap sitting. He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He breaks into your house and catches you jerking off. He hides behind the tree. He is terrifying.
Santa, the daddy aka "Father Christmas” conjures the possibly Freudian attraction to the father figure version of Kris Kringle. He’s kind, but firm. He asks you what you need and then generously provides it. He makes you feel safe. Plus he’s a polar bear (cross between a bear and a silver fox) and he’s got a great beard. He’s a DILF without kids of his own. We’re all his children, which is not creepy at all, I promise. Just like my own Dad, we only see him about once a year. 😬
Santa, the punisher has a list and checks it multiple times to decide your fate. If you’re naughty, he’s got a plan for you. He’s the BDSM Santa, ripe for role play. He throws you over his knee when you sit on his lap. He brings lots of toys.
There are other porny characters, of course, like Mrs. Claus and the elves. “Santa’s Little Helper” is always a big search term. The Grinch had a bump in 2018 when The Grinch movie came out. In just 30 days there were over 2.5 million Grinch related searches, compared to “only” 955,000 Santa searches, according to Pornhub. In case you’re wondering, according to a 2016 study, men are 34% more likely to search for Christmas related terms compared to women. Women are 220% more likely to search for “old santa claus.” It always comes back to the big guy.
Christmas is a horny holiday outside of porn, too. Completely normal adults who don’t dress horny all year purchase T-shirts that say “Tits the Season” and “Big Nick Energy.” Midwest moms dress like slutty Mrs. Claus. Affairs are ignited at office Christmas parties. Then, there are the songs! We’ll get into the songs next week, but people go crazy for them. A few years ago, some radio stations banned “Baby It’s Cold Outside,” since it’s a song about date rape and boomers were LIVID. How dare you fuck with my music? Hey, what’s in my drink?
It’s the seventh night of Hanukkah and I’m dismayed by the complete lack of Hanukkah porn. All of the elements are there—a holiday about lube that lasted for eight days. Little spinners. Oiled up maccabees. The name's origins is that it derives from the Aramaic maqqəḇa, "the hammer." No one gets hammered in the warm glow of the menorah light? How do we all come to a consensus about which holidays can be horny? Do we need a singular character like Santa, or can any holiday bring out the ho-ho-hoes? Holy Fxxxing Night.
Please check out these related newsletters:
I thought your story on “Santa Porn” was hilarious. The imagery & symbolism was right-on. The take on the song, “Baby it’s cold outside” nudges me into another mindset hearing the banter between the guy and the girl. Great writing!