The Great Testicle Theft
And the quack doctors who thought a new set of balls cured all
Hey horny readers! I love weird history and I hope you do, too! This was a fun story to research and acts as yet another warning to be weary of health gurus.
Before we get to it, please remember the the next ADULT SEX ED Live Show is a week away in NYC at Caveat (live-stream tickets available)!
WEDNESDAY, MAY 15TH 9:30PM
My guests are Gabe Mollica (Solo Off-Broadway), Martin Urbano (Jimmy Kimmel Live), Ayanna Dookie (Comedy Central), and Calvin Cato (Netflix, Vice).
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Adult Sex Ed comedically challenges why we think what we think about sex. In case you’re new, I’m Dani Faith Leonard, a comedy writer, film producer, and performer. In 2018, I started a comedy show called Adult Sex Ed and launched this newsletter last year. Each week, I take a fun deep dive into a topic that I’ve been researching. Want to know more? Read the whole description on substack here.
Ready to get a little smarter? Okay, let’s go!
It’s no secret that I love strange history. I wrote about problematic gurus in the past, like John Harvey Kellogg, who invented cornflakes because he hated masturbation, and shot gallons of yogurt into his own asshole everyday. I wrote about Lydia E. Pinkham, who invented a popular potion to cure women’s issues, but it was basically just alcohol. I even wrote about the strange late 90s trend of vajazzling. What do all of these things have in common? People doing strange things because they think their bodies aren’t enough on their own.
In the 1920s, there was a concept floating around that men may be able to rejuvenate their health by getting a new set of balls. But these ballin’ bollocks had to come from somewhere, right? A doctor named John Brinkley became known as the "goat-gland doctor" after he implanted goat testicles into male patients. At first, he claimed that it cured impotence, but later on, he would claim that it would cure a variety of ailments, from dementia to flatulence (as if those were anywhere close to each other in severity). He frequently operated while intoxicated and in less-than-sterile conditions, so some patients got infections and a number of them died. So maybe goats weren’t the answer?
Another doctor decided to experiment on himself instead. Chicago urologist Frank Lydston sewed a cadaver’s nuts into his own scrotum all the way back in 1914. He actually did a whole host of experiments, including adding some testicle tissue onto his own chest. Yes…he gave himself chesticles. He claimed that the extra nads provided “a marked exhilaration and buoyancy of spirits," which honestly just sounds like a manic episode.
Inspired by the idea of testicle implants to improve vitality, a prison doctor by the name of Leo Stanley had a major advantage. Putting animal testicles into men was cool, but human-to-human transplants were preferred. Working at San Quentin gave him access to the freshest nads around. Just like many of the other famous quack doctors, he was an ardent eugenicist, so the fact that these men would be sterilized in the process seemed advantageous. Over the course of twenty years, he would perform over 10,000 testicular implants within the walls of San Quentin State Prison.
Cut to 1922, Chicago. The jazz age was well underway. Al Capone wasn’t the boss yet, but the windy city had a reputation for corruption and general mayhem. Perfect distractions for Gland Pirates. Men were getting kidnapped in Chicago, drugged with chloroform, and waking up with empty scrota. According to some medical historians, this actually marks the beginning of modern organ trafficking, which most people associate with kidneys, not danglies. This was big business! At the height of the gonad trafficking scheme, it was reported that an aged millionaire was offering $100,000 for a "gland transplantation operation" as he anticipated marriage to a 25-year-old woman. Holy Elon Musk! Newspapers went wild with the story, eager to report on the “Gland Larceny.”
So what can we learn from this history? For every problematic guru who tells women that they suffer from hysteria/a fallen womb/some other random ailment, there was a snake-oil-salesman nearby willing to convince a man to steal a goat’s stones. For every Gwyneth, there’s a random Joe Rogan podcast guest. We always should be weary of the nut jobs, especially if they’re peddling nut jobs.
The ADULT SEX ED live show is back in NY 5/15 and LA 6/7 with awesome guests. Connect, laugh, get smarter, in person or live-streaming anywhere.
May 15th in New York City or *streaming anywhere* with guests Gabe Mollica (Solo Off-Broadway), Martin Urbano (Jimmy Kimmel Live), Ayanna Dookie (Comedy Central), and Calvin Cato (Netflix, Vice).
June 7th in Los Angeles with guests Dylan Adler (Late Late Show, Comedy Central), Joanna Hausmann (Netflix, Comedy Central), Jeena Bloom (Comedy Central) & More!
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Yo that Frank Lydston story is crazy and creepy and impressive all at once, but mostly also, ew.