Engagement Boners
Is this a thing and what does it mean?
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Adult Sex Ed comedically challenges why we think what we think about sex. In case you’re new, I’m Dani Faith Leonard, a comedy writer, film producer, and performer. In 2018, I started a comedy show called Adult Sex Ed and launched this newsletter last year. Each week, I take a fun deep dive into a topic that I’ve been researching. Want to know more? Read the whole description on substack here.
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A few months ago, a friend requested that I talk about “engagement boners.” The word boner makes me giggle and think about the priest from The Little Mermaid, springing a stiffy during the ceremony (google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about). If you were a 90s kid, the discourse around that boner and Disney’s denial that it’s really there may have even been your first introduction to the word! If the word is too silly for you, please substitute the references below with woody, diamond cutter, fuddy chuddy, or the plain and clinical erection.
The priestly boner in The Little Mermaid is on one side of the matrimonial equation, and plenty of men report getting unintentionally hard when they have to speak in public (the priest should probably be used to it.) But according to an article in Cosmo, the phenomenon of engagement boners are an actual thing. It’s endearing of course, except for the photos that you can no longer share with loved ones. Luckily, TikTok user Mariel Twist decided to share a now-viral video of her engagement featuring her fiancé’s stiffy.
People congratulated her on the size of her man’s package, and she didn’t seem so upset by the photobomb. Some women commented that they hope to receive one of their own at their proposal. Engagement boners probably fall under the umbrella of “emotional boners” and as the author at Cosmo explained, “probably has less to do with actual horniness than it does a fairly complex cocktail of physiological phenomena.” Any intense emotion can cause a boner, but some boners are just completely random, too.
As someone who doesn’t have a penis, the idea of a body part with a mind of its own in this way is terrifying. Terrifying in a kind of fun way, maybe? I guess it’s not a complete surprise that “accidental boners” are a hefty porn category and/or common plot point.
A quick Reddit perusal yielded a post about accidental matrimony-themed boners from a man’s perspective, and it turns out that engagement boners aren’t the only thing men are worried about. Wedding boners are a thing, too. User naterspotaters posted on a sex-related subreddit for important advice: “I find my (soon to be) wife very attractive, and I am increasingly worried that I am going to sproing a stiffy in my slacks when she walks down the aisle. Is there some kind of underwear you could recommend to hide it? Or should I tape it back? Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated!”
His nervous post garnered almost 600 responses. Some people told him to flaunt it. Others had more practical advice, like wearing compression shorts, repeating Margaret Thatcher’s name repeatedly, tucking it in his waistband, or rubbing one out beforehand. User Jabba_the_mutt told him to “Flaunt that shit, saves having a ring bearer. Just put the ring on ya sausage.” Other users shared their own struggles. One wrote that the mere thought of getting married to his girlfriend gives him an instant boner.
When it comes to emotional boners related to big life events, I have so many questions, as I think any bystander or person on the receiving end should! Which emotion is actually causing the hard-on? Is it anxiety or excitement? Is it arousal from the thought of commitment or the thrill of a mere answer? Most importantly, if you get an unintentional boner at a funeral, is it called a mourning wood?
Thankfully, naterspotaters posted an update to his original Reddit post: “No boner. I wore compression shorts just in case, but the little guy never showed his head. Thanks for all the comments and advice!” I guess it was just lovely to know that when it comes to sproingy surprises, shock rockets, or unintentional boinkers, he wasn’t alone.
Have you ever received an unintentional boner at an inconvenient time? Tell us in the comments! (Or just request a future topic.)
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this is so for real!!!! i thought i was the only one