Do terrible opinions make you horny?
A philia for the season
Hey horny readers! This newsletter contains some fun facts to make you sound smarter this season.
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Adult Sex Ed comedically challenges why we think what we think about sex. In case you’re new, I’m Dani Faith Leonard, a comedy writer, film producer, and performer. In 2018, I started a comedy show called Adult Sex Ed and launched this newsletter last year. Each week, I take a fun deep dive into a topic that I’ve been researching. Want to know more? Read the whole description on substack here.
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I used to spend a lot of time with a man who had the worst opinions. He never heard a conspiracy theory that he didn’t entertain. Still, we would flirt over dinner and I would cringe when the conversation turned to “who’s really trafficking people.” This was pre-2016 when conspiracy theories were a bit more demure, but he could still make my blood boil. He was hot though, and one of the smartest people I knew despite being incredibly gullible. Plus, his opinions weren’t racist or hateful, just a little batshit. So, I would stick around. You can call it people pleasing, or maybe temporarily low self-worth.
Years later, I’ve recognized that there are people in my life who love this kind of thing. If you really love hearing opinions that are incredibly different from your own, and if it makes you a bit horny, you might have allodoxaphilia.
The word comes from Greek ‘allo’ meaning different, and ‘dox’ meaning opinion. Last year, I wrote a post about the difference between kink and fetish and used necrophilia to explain that there’s a biiiiiiig range. In a medical setting, a kink or fetish may be referred to as a paraphilia. Here’s an example: Urophilia is the traditional name for what is colloquially known as a golden shower or watersports. So, if you still remain friends with people who constantly oppose you, chances are you are an allodoxaphile, and if you want to bump uglies with them, this just might be a kink or fetish for you.
I have two girlfriends who pick fights with men they meet on dating apps, goading them into arguments like it’s some kind of test. The more they argue, the more likely they are to keep speaking with them and even meet up. They listen to concepts that would send me running out the door. Perhaps they’re not looking for a real relationship, so meeting someone with wildly different values is protection. It excites them, and for the most part it’s harmless. Like any philia, there’s a toxic end of the spectrum, like if someone only gets turned on by making someone else incredibly uncomfortable. (I have a former friend who used to bring antisemites to dinner, but that’s a psychopathic thing to do, not just an innocent kink.)
If I was an allodoxaphile, I’m not sure where I would go to seek out men. Dating apps are usually set to eliminate people with values different from your own. Perhaps I would serve coffee at a Men’s Rights Activists meeting although they mostly gather online. My friend Allyson pitched Murray Hill, the New York neighborhood with the worst opinions, but really any hometown bar would suffice.
The opposite of allodoxaphilia is allodoxaphobia, which is a fear of hearing other people’s opinions. On a mild level, it’s a phobia that’s totally relatable. I can’t be the only person who reunites with an old friend and feels terrified to know what they think about politics. But some people have full-blown panic attacks when they have to receive any criticism or hear any contradictory opinions. For allodoxaphobes, the political climate and the access to media today would be paralyzing.
The thing is, we never accomplish anything if we don’t have conversations with people who have other opinions. I love having conversations that make me think and challenge my perspectives, but not really in bed. I have friends with different opinions than me, but we share the same values, which is an important distinction to make. Perhaps the allodoxaphiles can actually save us from this moment, moving people out of their silos and breaking through political bubbles to have meaningful conversations.
Also relevant to the season: Hybristophilia. Psychologists define it as sexual interest in and attraction to those who commit crimes.
PS - Last night was the presidential debate in the United States. I won’t fact-check the whole thing, but here’s an important fact that’s relevant to the newsletter—People are not performing abortions after a baby is born. That wouldn’t be an abortion, that would be infanticide, which is 100% illegal in every state. Here’s a video of an OBGYN explaining why this conspiracy persists and what’s really happening.
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