A sex talk for extraterrestrials 👽

If there's life out there, there are things I want them to know.

Aug 02, 2023

Hi Everyone,

Happy hump day and thanks so much for reading the ADULT SEX ED newsletter! If you’re enjoying it, please share with friends, so they can be hilariously informed!

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This is a weekly newsletter from me, Dani Faith Leonard , a comedy writer, film producer, and performer, based on the live comedy show ADULT SEX ED that I’ve hosted since 2018. If you want to know more about this newsletter, here’s a description on substack.

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Last week, the U.S. House Oversight subcommittee on National Security held a hearing about UFOs (now called UAPs). Former Air Force Major David Grusch confirmed that the flying objects are very real AND that the government has been aware of “non-human” activity since the 1930s. The rest of his testimony may have had some holes, but it’s a lot more fun to ignore that and welcome our new space friends! My comedy buddy Josh Gondelman wrote a pep talk for people who believe in aliens in his weekly newsletter. I was inspired to write a short message of my own.

If you’re an extraterrestrial and you’re thinking of paying us a visit, I have some advice. First of all, you probably shouldn’t choose to land here in the United States—at least not at first. I don’t know if you know this about us, but we love to blow shit up. In fact, people have spent over $400 million (so far) to sit through a three hour movie about the atomic bomb. I happened to enjoy the movie, so please feel free to judge me.

Speaking of judging, I don’t want to assume, like many have, that you’d visit us in a human or humanoid form. I also make no assumptions that you are interested in having sex with humans at all! For the sake of this newsletter, I will assume that you’re not like the movie aliens and that you’d ask consent before banging or impregnating one of us. If you’ve been observing us and would like to stop by, here are ten things I’d want you to know:

You can’t own more than six dildos in Texas, which seems like an arbitrary number, meant to be challenged! I know you’re new here, so the law probably doesn’t specify how many dildos extraterrestrials can own. Please bring seven of them everywhere you go as a test.
You can buy a sex toy in Target (there’s a whole section of them now and people are mad!), but not birth control without a prescription in 29 states. I know the shelves of vibrators might give the impression that Americans are open about masturbation, but be careful talking about it (or doing it) in public. Again, please join me for the test in number one.
Paul Reubens died this week. I know his character, Pee-wee, was probably one of your own, so you know him well. He once got arrested during a sting operation for exposing himself at an adult movie theater. In hindsight, we can all see that there are much worse places to be seen with your dick out, like at a screening of Barbie. He is missed already. R.I.P.
People used to watch porn in a movie theatre! I know that seems crazy now.
18% of women reported being able to climax during intercourse from vaginal penetration alone. 31% of men surveyed in Britain in 2021 couldn’t find the clitoris. If you feel like landing the ship there, you may have a major sexual advantage.
Over half the world has a clitoris and it has barely been studied. On the flip-side, only 4% of people bought NFTs and we NEVER HEARD THE END OF IT! You must help us fix this discrepancy if you’re going to spend time on this planet.
People rarely talk about butt stuff in the news, unless it involves chess, cheating, and vibrating anal beads. This is not because people don’t like anal play. I just thought you should know.
Porn doesn’t reflect what most of us like in real life, especially the more specific categories. Pornhub publishes annual data that gives some clues into what people are into country-by-country. Don’t judge us all by this!
Movie sex scenes are also not accurate to our life experiences. Because of the MPA film rating system, American films are less likely to include any accurate sex. Also limited are drugs, LGBTQIA+ love-making, and female pleasure. A couple of years ago, there was a whole movie about Freddie Mercury, who was probably an extraterrestrial, and there was no fucking or drugs!
Despite what you may have read in a sex ed book, most of us have never met a human who has used a dental dam.